So what happens when we say the word “should?” What’s so powerful about that word? What does it immediately bring up? RESISTANCE.
SHOULD almost always comes from the outside, from somebody else. It is almost invariably someone else’s (a parent or someone we admire)value or belief that we have unconsciously adopted somewhere along the way. Our subconscious KNOWS it isn’t OUR idea, so why SHOULD we do it?! It is a sort of childish reaction, albeit subconscious: “NO! I want to do it MY way!”
When someone starts a sentence with “I should – do – this, that, or the other thing,” it just BEGS the question, “Who says? Who says you SHOULD?”
But, instead of asking this question, which might take us into the world of the past, I prefer to look to the future, and ask that person to repeat the statement they just made, substituting the word “could” for the word “should”. “I COULD do this, that, or the other thing.”
What often happens at first, is a moment of silence, and then the realization: “It’s true, I COULD do this, but I COULD also do, a bunch of OTHER things, that I hadn’t thought about before.”
Just changing the verb from SHOULD to COULD, opens up a whole new world of possibilities. SHOULD is almost always somebody else’s idea, which we have subconsciously made our own.
There are, of course, exceptions. Sometimes the person will then reflect and say “What I really meant to say, is I WANT to do this.” Great. They have achieved some clarity around the choice to do something. They have owned that choice.
Whereas if their SHOULD does come from the outside, often in that moment, they will realize that this is NOT what they really want to do. And in that moment of realization, they then begin to explore new possibilities, new solutions, new options that they COULD do, in the exact same situation.
Let’s take an example:
“I SHOULD go to the gym everyday for at least an hour.” Rather limiting in terms of possibilities –OR- “I COULD go to the gym everyday, for at least an hour, but I COULD also alternate the gym with a bike ride, which I really enjoy, or maybe just go to the gym for ½ hour at lunchtime, so I am energized for the afternoon. Or maybe I could take a brisk walk after lunch, or maybe, if I work out really hard one day, I could give my body a rest the next day, so that the following day, I’ll have even MORE energy!” See how many more possibilities there are?
Now let’s take an example in the “negative”:
“I SHOULDN’T have another glass of wine.” Sounds a little reprimanding, at best. –OR- “I COULD NOT have another glass of wine, which would probably allow me to sleep better, so that tomorrow morning, I won’t be grumpy, and I’ll start my day out on a positive note.” In this case, the person has thought about the consequences of another glass of wine and CHOSEN NOT to have it. He is not just blindly following a self-imposed rule that feels limiting and depriving. The alternative”COULD” scenario sounds logical and actually, inviting. In this case, the person CHOOSES NOT to have another glass of wine and take care of himself, instead of simply depriving himself.
So, perhaps you are trying to change a habit, or form a new habit with something you think you SHOULD do. I invite you to substitute the verb COULD for SHOULD and wait – and see what happens.
After all,“who says you should?” Maybe, in answering this question, you’ll realize that it wasn’t your idea in the first place, and even though you didn’t come up with it, maybe it WAS actually a good idea! And now, instead of resisting the imposed idea, you have consciously embraced it and made it your own. Now you see that you COULD adopt that behavior and benefit from it and then CHOOSE to do it.
The opposite scenario is equally possible. I had this experience recently myself. In planning my coaching business, I got caught up in the whirlwind of excitement with a coaching group I was in. Everyone was aiming for the stars – a six figure income was possible! Oh boy! I was on board with that one! Then I began to experience a sense of overwhelm, of losing momentum. I got a sore throat. I wasn’t sleeping well, thinking about everything I had to do to build my business to that level. And suddenly I realized (literally at 3 am) I didn’t WANT a six figure income! I had adopted everyone else’s idea and thought I SHOULD want that too. Whereas earlier on, I had taken the time to define exactly what kind of life I wanted: maximum of 2 clients per day, so I had the time to do my daily work-out (which is of the utmost importance to me), meditate, work around the house (I am a carpenter and LOVE projects!) We own our house free and clear, so our monthly expenses are reasonable. Additionally, I had decided to create an online group coaching course, which would leverage my time and allow me to help more people at once. And I had decided to do one or two expedition coaching trips per year, to satisfy my love for adventure. Once I got back in touch with MY big picture, I realized I COULD strive for a six figure income, but I also realized that I COULD choose NOT to do that, and honor my own needs and values. By the way, I am completely open to having a six figure income, as long as I continue to honor that precious balance I have achieved in my life! Thinking I have to give up that balance to make money is my own limiting belief (but that’s a whole other article!)
Recognizing and honoring your own needs, wants, values and beliefs is the key to creating an ideal life.
So, the next time you use the “S” WORD, make light of it and say to yourself: DON’T SHOULD ON YOURSELF!
Then be sure to follow YOUR heart and honor YOUR intuition and YOUR truth!